The Sparkle on the Surface
We’ve all been there, either saying it or hearing it: “I love you because…”
“…because you make me laugh.”
“…because of the way your eyes light up.”
“…because we have so much in common.”
We build these beautiful lists of reasons, like evidence in the case for our affection. These reasons are the sparkle on the surface. They’re the initial, captivating glimmers of attraction, the shared jokes, the grand romantic gestures—the highlight reel that draws us in. This sparkle is essential; it is often the catalyst, the spark that ignites the flame of connection.
But a profound and perilous confusion arises when we mistake these signs of love for love itself. The problem begins when we’re not just appreciating the sparkle, but we’re engaging in idealization—a psychological process where we place someone on a pedestal. We attribute exaggerated, perfect qualities to them and, in doing so, we fall in love not with the real, complex person, but with a flawless, fragile fantasy we’ve created.
The Architecture of the Fantasy
Why do we do this? Why do we build these idealized images of people? The roots often run deep, touching on our most basic needs for connection and safety.
Psychology tells us that idealization is often fueled by projection. We unconsciously project our own hopes, desires, and, most powerfully, our unmet needs onto our partners. If we have a deep need for security, we might see a partner as an infallible protector, regardless of their actual capabilities.
Our tendency to do this is also profoundly shaped by our early life experiences. Attachment theory, a cornerstone of psychology, explains that our first bonds with caregivers create an “internal working model” for all our future relationships. If our early environment felt inconsistent or insecure, we might develop an anxious attachment style, making us prone to idealizing a partner as a “perfect” savior who will never leave us. Conversely, if closeness felt threatening, we might develop an avoidant attachment style, idealizing someone from a safe distance (like an unrequited crush) because a fantasy poses no real threat to our independence.
In either case, “loving the idea” is often a deeply ingrained coping strategy, a way to protect ourselves from our greatest relational fears.
Diving into the Deep: Beyond the Idea
If the sparkle is an idea, then what is the substance? Think of it like this: all those reasons and moments are like sunlight dancing on the surface of the ocean. It’s beautiful and captivating, but that shimmering light isn’t the ocean. The ocean is the vast, deep, powerful body of water underneath.
Real, deep love is the ocean. It’s not about a checklist of admirable traits. Psychologists have a term for it: Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR). Coined by Carl Rogers, it means offering basic acceptance and support to a person regardless of what they do. It’s a profound, non-transactional acceptance of them in their entirety. It’s loving them not because of their perfect qualities, but despite their imperfections. It is a quiet, steady current that flows beneath the sometimes-choppy, sometimes-calm surface of everyday life. This kind of love isn’t a passive feeling we fall into; it’s an active choice and a sustained practice.
When the Pedestal Crumbles
So, what happens when we build our house of love on the sandy shore of idealization? It becomes incredibly fragile. No real person can live on a pedestal forever.
Life happens. People change, reveal flaws, and have bad days. If your love was contingent on the fantasy, what happens when reality inevitably intrudes?
This is the moment many people describe as “falling out of love.” More accurately, it’s the painful collapse of the idealized construct. The signs they relied on have faded, and they discover there was nothing deeper holding them together. When the fantasy shatters, resentment often fills the void. This is where, as relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman notes, destructive patterns—the “Four Horsemen”—can take over: Criticism (attacking a partner’s character), Contempt (treating them with disrespect or mockery), Defensiveness (playing the victim), and Stonewalling (withdrawing completely). These behaviors are the tools used to dismantle a bond when the illusion is gone.
Choosing the Ocean: A Practical Path
Moving from the fantasy to the real thing is a conscious journey. It starts with honest self-reflection. Ask yourself:
- Do I love my partner for who they are, or for how they make me feel? True love is based on appreciating the person themselves, independent of what they provide for you.
- How do I feel about their flaws? Do I see them as part of the whole person, or do I secretly wish I could change them? A constant desire to mold a partner is a clear sign you’re in love with a concept.
- Can we be messy together? Do we have open, honest conversations about our disagreements and vulnerabilities, or do we avoid conflict to preserve a fragile peace?
If you recognize a pattern of idealization, the path forward is one of acceptance. Practice leading with curiosity instead of judgment. Work on your own self-worth, because the more whole you feel on your own, the less you’ll need a “perfect” partner to complete you.
Ultimately, we have a choice. We can stay on the shore, chasing the fleeting sparkle on the surface. Or we can choose to take a breath and dive into the depths. This is a commitment to navigate the complexity, the mystery, and the profound beauty of the ocean. It is the daily decision to see, accept, and engage with the whole, complex, messy, and wonderful person beside us—a love that has the depth and resilience to truly last.